


Different and yet the same

by Banashee



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [14]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel
Genre: 1940s, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Crying, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24722530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banashee/pseuds/Banashee
Summary: "Bucky still smiles, despite everything, but when nobody looks at him, the smile disappears. It disappears and it leaves his eyes empty and sad.He’s been struggling for a while, but things have gotten especially bad after he’s been taken by Hydra alongside a group of other man from his unit."In which Bucky struggles, and Steve is desperate to help him.*+~Part 14 of my Bad Things Happen BingoSquare: "Trying not to cry"
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701046
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Different and yet the same

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,  
> so, because I love a good writing challenge, I'm now taking a part in the Bad Things Happen Bingo.  
> https://badthingshappenbingo.tumblr.com/  
> Please mind the tags!
> 
> I'm cross-posting this to my tumblr, https://banashee.tumblr.com
> 
> This is my fourteenth square: "Trying not to cry".

****

**Different and yet the same**

Bucky is smiling, all bright teeth and his eyes a sparkling liquid blue. They form small crinkles at their corners. He’s always had a beautiful smile, open and friendly, just a tiny little bit cocky. It captivates the people around him, and they can’t help but smile back, liking him instantly. 

Bucky still smiles, despite everything, but when nobody looks at him, the smile disappears. It disappears and it leaves his eyes empty and sad. 

He’s been struggling for a while, but things have gotten especially bad after he’s been taken by Hydra alongside a group of other men from his unit. In all honesty, Bucky thought he’d die there - part of him has already given up, although he won’t say it out loud. But then, due to nothing short of a miracle, Steve had shown up, much bigger and stronger than he’s ever been, and helped them all to get out.

Bucky is torn between the happiness of having his best friend and love of his life back by his side and dealing with the horrors he’s carrying around with him in his mind. 

He’s torn between getting used to _this_ Steve, who is no longer small or sickly, so different and yet so alike to the man he’s grown up with, who is his best friend - his first true love - and accepting that inside of the tall, square chested brickwall of a man, Steve is just the same person that Bucky loves so dearly. 

This Steve towers over him when it used to be the other way around. Holding Steve now feels a lot different than before and Bucky almost mourns the loss of a person who is right beside him. 

But then again, Steve still smells of curd soap and charcoal dust, still feels like home. He still talks and laughs like he used to, still draws whenever he finds the time and runs his hands through Bucky’s hair in the same way he always did, still kisses him just as soft and enthusiastically. Even though his hands are no longer small and bony, his body no longer short and fragile, all of Steve feels like home like it always did and Bucky is so very glad to have him by his side. 

As much as it takes getting used to this, part of him is happy that Steve ended up in Project Rebirth - he knows that otherwise he wouldn’t have made it through the next hard winter, what with how poor his health has been.

Steve is still gentle, so very gentle whenever he touches Bucky in the dead of night. He might be able to punch a Nazi’s head off in one blow now, but on the inside, he is still the little guy with the big heart and even bigger sense of righteousness that Bucky fell in love with all those years ago.

Night after night, they lie awake in the tent they share, holding each other close until sleep finally comes. Sometimes silently, sometimes talking - sometimes loving each other, whenever they feel private enough to do so, hidden from curious eyes even though they know that none of their men would care if they knew. Maybe they already do and simply choose not to say anything - it’s a gift, really, given how the world generally tends to react to queer people like them. 

Sometimes though, smiling is all that Bucky can do to keep himself from crying. If he were to start now, he isn’t sure he’d be able to stop anytime soon. So he smiles and keeps doing just that until his cheeks are hurting and his eyes are watering. On the inside though, he is screaming and on some days, he stops smiling and putting up an act as soon as no one looks at him. It’s a small but necessary break.

Today is one of those days, and he is tired. So very tired. 

They’ve been walking for days and nothing happened, which should be a relief, but it leaves them keyed up and waiting to be attacked. No one trusts the temporary peace. It would be foolishly dangerous to do so. 

One moment, Bucky laughs at something Jim Morita just said and seconds later, there is a lump in his throat and he quickly shuts up, afraid he’ll burst into tears right on the spot if he keeps laughing or even talking. If anyone notices, they’re kind enough not to mention anything - it’s not like the last months left anyone without cracks and crevices. 

Bucky keeps pushing through though, and he manages to avoid any emotional outbursts. Maybe, if he’ll be able to fall asleep before he can start overthinking things. Maybe, when he wakes up the next day, he’ll be able to go on - maybe.

As it is, Bucky is exhausted, and Steve catches on to that. He’s looked at him with worry ever since he pulled him out of this hellhole but Bucky manages to stay strong, refusing to break down. It won’t last forever, he knows, but it doesn’t stop him from trying. 

That night, they curl around each other, partially due to the cramped space in the tent and the cold creeping in from outside, partially to seek and give comfort. 

Today, Steve seems to be especially worried, deep lines forming on his usually young face. Bucky keeps his head down, resting it on Steve’s arm and one of his own arms wrapped around his upper body. He keeps breathing carefully in an attempt to get a grip on his emotions, but he knows he won’t last much longer unless he falls asleep first.

A large hand keeps rubbing circles on his back, occasionally creeping up into his hair which is getting too long by now. It’s comforting and familiar, and Bucky soaks it up as much as he possibly can. 

The touch is light, deliberately so, as Steve is still getting used to his new strength - he keeps breaking things on accident and feels bad about it, even though it makes Jim and Gabe and Jaques howl with laughter when metal handles of mugs keep bending and snapping off under his grip, or when he steps onto his shield in the dead of the night, on the way to relieve himself in the bushes, effectively slamming it into his shins and cursing up a blue storm that wakes the whole group of commandos and leaves them snickering until well after Steve comes back. 

He’s clumsy with things now - he refuses to be clumsy with people though, too afraid of hurting them if he was careless. 

He’d never forgive himself if he hurt Bucky.

“Buck. Are you okay?” Steve whispers into his ear and Bucky squeezes his eyes shut in an attempt to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill over. He wants to say something or at least nod to reassure Steve, but instead, a broken and bitten off sob escapes him and then he suddenly can’t stop crying.

Mortified by the sounds he’s making, he tries to hide away. This is not how he wanted this to go, but he’s lost the grip on himself. Steve pulls him closer, wrapping both arms around him and holds him through the storm, whispering soothing words and declarations of love. Telling him how sorry he is for everything, holding him close like Bucky is something precious - which he is, even though he can’t see that right now.

There are strong arms and gentle words, and then there are tears dripping into his dark hair - it just about breaks his heart, and Bucky holds on as tight as he can in an attempt to comfort Steve while both of them are falling apart.

Things are far from okay right now, and this is just the breaking point. It’s been long overdue.

Bucky is too exhausted to talk, falling asleep when he physically can’t stay awake any longer. His sleep is light and fitful. Steve holds and helps him through more than one nightmare, desperately wishing he could do more to help. He asks him how, but Bucky just shakes his head, holding on tight and forcing out, 

“Please don’t leave me alone.”

And Steve promises to stay, reassuring him again and again, until Bucky can believe what he once knew by heart. It’s not like he doubts Steve or his love for him, but he’s terrified of losing either. 

But then, morning comes and things go back to normal, or at least as normal as they can be at the time. 

“If you’re ever ready to talk. Please know that I’ll be happy to listen anytime.” Steve tells him, squeezing his hand and then they have to let go of each other, stepping out of the tent to face a new day.

In the following night though, Bucky huddles up close to Steve, and after agonizing over it for far too long, drawing invisible patterns with his fingertips onto Steve’s broad back, he finally asks,

“Hey Steve. Can I tell you something?”

Steve turns his head, and smoothes back a messy strand of Bucky’s hair, pressing a soft kiss on his forehead. Then he replies,

“Always, Love.”

And it is a start. 

*+~

**Square: "Trying not to cry"**


End file.
